just what the Doctor ordered

the Lord sent me a gift for 5 days. He knew just what i needed. having my best friend with me in the place that live was like breathing home air. there's only so much you can explain to a person over a cell phone; with Lisa here in the flesh, i could sigh and say, "now I can show you what my life is like." it took us a couple hours to warm up to one another and see that we are still the same people that we were before separated by distance, just with new history on our plates. i can't express what this girl means to me. we know each other so well, that we still say things at the same time, and can read each other like books. that, thankfully, hasn't changed.

the good Lord used her this week to encourage my heart and confirm my purpose here. hearing her say, "Jules, as much as i want you with me in austin, i know you're supposed to be here. i know it." i needed her thumbs up and pats on the back. i have a renewed desire to reclessly abandon my life to the Father and His sovereignty over every circumstance. His goodness shone in Lisa and i still feel it, even though she left yesterday.

square one

thursday was the last day of my brief employment at (probably shouldn't put the actual name here). most of you probably didn't know i had ended my nanny job and landed a position as a studio coordinator at a global architecture firm. april 28th i moved into a new apartment with two roommates and embarked upon a "normal" life in this city.

i worked a pleasant 8:30-5:30 shift on wall street in a surprisingly casual environment for that area of town. it was fun and exciting being around such creative minds and actually interacting with more than 4 human beings a day. i relished the freedom of leaving work at 5:30 and actually getting to LEAVE WORK. the actual working part of work, took some work. i had good days and bad. but, like i've said before, i have this thing about bosses who expect you to be able to read their minds. if there's something i've realized, it's that i do not have that gift. if it's not spelled out for me to the last detail, i'll mess it up. as hard as i try to use every one of my 5 senses to absorb information, it's almost inevitable for me to overlook the most important thing. believe me, i even tried altering my diet in attempt to improve my short-term memory and help my focus. i ate lots of berries and nuts and drank green tea. i really did see improvement. i thought i was getting the hang of my job (i was having more on days than off), but i guess it was just a little too late.

HR girl: "there's no easy way to say this, julia,"

me (in my head): oh, boy, i'm getting fired

HR girl: "you are nearing the end of your 90 day trial period, and...it's just not a good fit. we're letting you go."

i felt it well up in my throat. there was no stopping it. and the flood gates opened. fortunately, they had tissues ready.

i couldn't help but feel like a total loser. more than that, i felt lost, off balance, completely disgruntled. i was so certain this was where i was supposed to be. i had just begun to cultivate some significant beyond surface-level relationships with my co-workers. i was confident in what the Lord was beginning to do there, in putting me in the nucleus of polar people, the majority of them homosexual and agnostic. i reveled in the opportunity.

but, i'm back to square one, groping for a place where i am a "good fit." disappointment is not fun, but i am blessed to be surrounded by people who elucidate the sovereignty of God in my life. it is a certainty that steadies my weary heart and strengthens my weak knees. i know the authenticity and necessity of perseverance through my exposure to adversity and my own sin. there's something about this place; there are just some things that you cannot avoid that are so easy to elsewhere. i'm not making any sense, am i?

i am anxious for the moment of inspiration, where i can clearly sumarize in words what i've acquired in my 10 months here. i hate to sound so dramatic, but sometimes it can't be helped.

press rewind

beats me...

I can't explain how I got here, or why I'm here. People often ask me, "What are you doing in New York?" and it stumps me every time. It's been nine months, 24 days and counting. It began as a one-year test-drive in a foreign land. Somehow, at some point that changed. It hasn't been a year yet, but it seems much longer. I feel aged from the things I've experienced and seen.

roots

this is a new chapter in my life, to be annoyingly cliché, one that seems strikingly out of place compared to chapters 1-23. september 4th i uprooted myself from Texas soil and landed awkwardly on the harsh, unforgiving concrete of New York City. i didn't give myself time to think twice about it. i did it as fast as i could, hoping the hole in the ground could remain for me to sink back into when i was done exploring. will it wait for me?

the nanny named julia

i thought being a nanny would come easy for me, considering I made a pretty good living babysitting until i left for college. it seemed like the easy route to take. two girls, 12 and 14. shouldn't be too hard; they are at school most of the day right? well, let's put it this way, my adventure in the live-in nanny world was like The Devil Wears Prada and the Nanny Diaries combined. i've thought about writing a book on my experience, but i was beat to the chase. i still haven't finished reading the nanny diaries because it cut too close to home. ihe books frighteningly accurate of life in the nanny/corporate arenas of nyc. i know the "Miranda" look well; the one where the eyes roam you up and down, evaluating each article of clothing. i was not used to being scrutinized for the way i dressed. i will never forget the day when that look finally ended in approval; once i finally had moved on from the sloppy "I don't care" maroon-out t-shirt and jeans look ingrained by a&m culture.

esp

there's something about bosses here where they think that their employees can read their minds. she would often stop mid-sentence while giving me instructions, or think that i can hear her finishing them as the elevator door closes. i've honestly held my ear to the door as she went down just to try to get every last word.

you want me to do what?

i did all sorts of things as a nanny i never expected to do. i spent half a day in the animal hospital, waiting for brownie as she had some teeth removed. the drugs must have messed her up somehow because she was never the same after that day. that cat was always running into things and falling off the furniture.

breaking point

i took the girls to all doctor's appointments. i had to pull myself together when the doctor brought back in the examining room. the 12-year-old was anxious about getting a tetanus shot, so she wanted me to be there. she squeezed my hand so tight. this is the same girl who said, "Who died?" months earlier when i tried to give her a hug.