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beats me...

I can't explain how I got here, or why I'm here. People often ask me, "What are you doing in New York?" and it stumps me every time. It's been nine months, 24 days and counting. It began as a one-year test-drive in a foreign land. Somehow, at some point that changed. It hasn't been a year yet, but it seems much longer. I feel aged from the things I've experienced and seen.

roots

this is a new chapter in my life, to be annoyingly cliché, one that seems strikingly out of place compared to chapters 1-23. september 4th i uprooted myself from Texas soil and landed awkwardly on the harsh, unforgiving concrete of New York City. i didn't give myself time to think twice about it. i did it as fast as i could, hoping the hole in the ground could remain for me to sink back into when i was done exploring. will it wait for me?

the nanny named julia

i thought being a nanny would come easy for me, considering I made a pretty good living babysitting until i left for college. it seemed like the easy route to take. two girls, 12 and 14. shouldn't be too hard; they are at school most of the day right? well, let's put it this way, my adventure in the live-in nanny world was like The Devil Wears Prada and the Nanny Diaries combined. i've thought about writing a book on my experience, but i was beat to the chase. i still haven't finished reading the nanny diaries because it cut too close to home. ihe books frighteningly accurate of life in the nanny/corporate arenas of nyc. i know the "Miranda" look well; the one where the eyes roam you up and down, evaluating each article of clothing. i was not used to being scrutinized for the way i dressed. i will never forget the day when that look finally ended in approval; once i finally had moved on from the sloppy "I don't care" maroon-out t-shirt and jeans look ingrained by a&m culture.

esp

there's something about bosses here where they think that their employees can read their minds. she would often stop mid-sentence while giving me instructions, or think that i can hear her finishing them as the elevator door closes. i've honestly held my ear to the door as she went down just to try to get every last word.

you want me to do what?

i did all sorts of things as a nanny i never expected to do. i spent half a day in the animal hospital, waiting for brownie as she had some teeth removed. the drugs must have messed her up somehow because she was never the same after that day. that cat was always running into things and falling off the furniture.

breaking point

i took the girls to all doctor's appointments. i had to pull myself together when the doctor brought back in the examining room. the 12-year-old was anxious about getting a tetanus shot, so she wanted me to be there. she squeezed my hand so tight. this is the same girl who said, "Who died?" months earlier when i tried to give her a hug.