square one

thursday was the last day of my brief employment at (probably shouldn't put the actual name here). most of you probably didn't know i had ended my nanny job and landed a position as a studio coordinator at a global architecture firm. april 28th i moved into a new apartment with two roommates and embarked upon a "normal" life in this city.

i worked a pleasant 8:30-5:30 shift on wall street in a surprisingly casual environment for that area of town. it was fun and exciting being around such creative minds and actually interacting with more than 4 human beings a day. i relished the freedom of leaving work at 5:30 and actually getting to LEAVE WORK. the actual working part of work, took some work. i had good days and bad. but, like i've said before, i have this thing about bosses who expect you to be able to read their minds. if there's something i've realized, it's that i do not have that gift. if it's not spelled out for me to the last detail, i'll mess it up. as hard as i try to use every one of my 5 senses to absorb information, it's almost inevitable for me to overlook the most important thing. believe me, i even tried altering my diet in attempt to improve my short-term memory and help my focus. i ate lots of berries and nuts and drank green tea. i really did see improvement. i thought i was getting the hang of my job (i was having more on days than off), but i guess it was just a little too late.

HR girl: "there's no easy way to say this, julia,"

me (in my head): oh, boy, i'm getting fired

HR girl: "you are nearing the end of your 90 day trial period, and...it's just not a good fit. we're letting you go."

i felt it well up in my throat. there was no stopping it. and the flood gates opened. fortunately, they had tissues ready.

i couldn't help but feel like a total loser. more than that, i felt lost, off balance, completely disgruntled. i was so certain this was where i was supposed to be. i had just begun to cultivate some significant beyond surface-level relationships with my co-workers. i was confident in what the Lord was beginning to do there, in putting me in the nucleus of polar people, the majority of them homosexual and agnostic. i reveled in the opportunity.

but, i'm back to square one, groping for a place where i am a "good fit." disappointment is not fun, but i am blessed to be surrounded by people who elucidate the sovereignty of God in my life. it is a certainty that steadies my weary heart and strengthens my weak knees. i know the authenticity and necessity of perseverance through my exposure to adversity and my own sin. there's something about this place; there are just some things that you cannot avoid that are so easy to elsewhere. i'm not making any sense, am i?

i am anxious for the moment of inspiration, where i can clearly sumarize in words what i've acquired in my 10 months here. i hate to sound so dramatic, but sometimes it can't be helped.