harkey thanksgiving

November 20; 8:42 pm CT

i step off the tiny plane at the airport in Monroe Louisiana. my nose recognizes the familiar stench of the paper factory, similar to the odor of a skunk. it's oddly comforting.

i am greeted my the smiling faces of my gran and grandaddy. the first thought to pop into my head is how similar my mom and gran look. it's becoming more and more apparent each year.

"hello honey," gran says, but imagine the "o" drawn out more like "haaawny." i especially like the way my grandparents say my name, "jeewyah." no one else says it the same.

as we drive to their house on island drive, they ask me about my life in the city and how i'm enjoying my new job. i gladly oblige and gush over how happy i am with where i am and what i am doing. how the Lord is blessing apostles church and how humbled i am to be in the heart of this blessing. i tell them i am learning the hardships and joys of planting a church, and that there isn't a doubt in my mind that God is going to do inconceivable things through the people of Apostles.

i tell them that i can't put into words what it means to have their support in ministry.

tradition

as far back as i can remember, we've spent thanksgiving at my gran and grandaddy's house in Louisiana. since my family on my mom's side lives in Mississippi, we all meet in the middle once a year. over time, the family has grown. i have seven younger cousins between the ages of 9 and 20. i remember them all as babies.

we look forward to this holiday with great anticipation and expectation, knowing with certainty that our traditions are waiting for us at gran and grandaddy's.



the harkeys

5 pm is open bar for the harkey's. the adults sip on martinis or g and t's and are content with sitting in the living room reading novels or working on a puzzle together. there's always a puzzle.

scrabble is a must. at least one game is played every thanksgiving. it's fun to play with auntie alison. she jokingly cusses in her quirky scottish/southern accent. my gran is the champion, a walking scrabble dictionary, but one time, one glorious thanksgiving a couple of years ago, i did beat her.





the meal

food, of course, is essential for this holiday, and we never fail to eat well and eat a lot.

one can expect a delicious smoked turkey, gran's famous dressing, auntie alison's sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes, and some good old fashion roles. it's not thanksgiving without my aunt robin's delectable chocolate cakes.

my favorite part of the meal, though, is not the food, but circling to pray before we eat. for the past few years my three cousins, megan, leah, and lorna, read a prayer that they write together. they do this on their own initiative.






football

it ain't thanksgiving without the A&M/UT game. we always watch it in gran and grandaddy's room because that's where the lazy boy's are. if you want to keep your chair, though, you have to stay in it.

for the second year in a row, A&M won.

whoop.




bonfire



a few years ago, a new tradition emerged.

on friday night, my uncle matt builds a small bonfire on the other side of the levi. we roast marshmallows.

this year, we sat around it and sang old girl scout songs and a little beatles, too. i don't know who started it, but many of us ended up in a huge dogpile, aunts and uncles included. everyone was laughing hysterically.

i'd say we're pretty close.




till next year...

i said goodbye to the family early Saturday morning, made the round of hugs, and hugged some twice.

i boarded the tiny plane in the monroe airport.

it was dark as i was flying into new york. lights of all colors, sparkled as far as i could see. peering out the window, it looked like we were soaring across a giant christmas tree.

taxi?

cab drivers decided to celebrate labor day a couple days late. the city streets are eerily despoiled of their commonplace yellow vehicles, and relentless blasting horns. more people are on foot today, which could be worse if the weather wasn't so perfectly affable.

for the cab drivers, 5 am this morning commenced the public manifesto to withstand the installation of GPS tracking systems and credit card machines in the 1300 cabs. although determined to help passengers and drivers get to their destination more efficiently, the system is frowned upon by the TWA members, who claim it is more "stalker-like" than helpful. and so, the strike will continue for another 24hours or so, in hopes of deferring Big Brother's roaming eye and the threat of plastic over paper.

good luck, drivers.

the forecast for today:

NYC:
high: 74
humidity: 40%

Austin:
high: 92
humidity: 55%

i'm loving the east coast today!

lexington avenue

She’s walking down Lexington Avenue
It’s nearing 7 in the evening
She passes a basketball court
A game is going on
Looks like middle school boys

She smiles as she surveys the crowd of onlookers
Peering through the iron bars surrounding the court
Men and women in business suites
Having just exited the subway station on the corner
Some are enraptured in the game
Savoring the youthful sport after a long day of board meetings and computer screens
And in the midst of squeaking shoes and boisterous coaches
It is peaceful

After a moment
She continues walking down Lexington Avenue
The ground rumbling beneath her feet
She marvels at the slight touch of a breeze playing with her hair
It’s tricky to tell how or why
But she is suddenly arrested by a single thought:
She
Is
Happy

Lost in reverie
She raises her eyes to the sky
Giving thanks in her heart for impenetrable gifts
And every thing that she’s been through
Before this walk down Lexington Avenue

amy's ice creams and texas barbeque

i took a trip to austin...

where the city noises are replaced by cicadas' chattering calls; and the new-york minutes by lone-star naps.

where the Ford F150 is the luxury vehicle of choice, and patriotism is displayed in burnt orange and "hook 'em horns"

where weird comes naturally and is emboldened and maintained in writing on the backs of Tyler's tees

where people know what "let's get on down to the Oasis" actually means

where you can say "y'all" all you want, and not be made fun of

where home will always be, no matter how metropolitanized i may become



are we there yet?

my flight home was the longest 4 hours of my life. i hope i never again have to wait 7 months to go home. i passed the time watching the chosen feature, Spiderman 3, reading the new Harry Potter book, and making small-talk with the amusing girl next to me who was returning from a two month tour with her rock star dad, lead singer of Tito and Tarantula.

the ride home from the airport was just about as agonizing, but when we pulled into the driveway, and i saw my niece and nephew outside waiting for me, i was out the door and into their arms before the car even came to a stop.

"c'mon, unt Guh, wet's pway wing awound the wosie" Luke said as he tugged me by the hand, just as if we'd never been apart.





shh...

i went running one morning up and down the neighborhood hills, savoring the humid air that smelled of freshly cut grass. (man, this place is gorgeous, and the sky is so expansive and blue). of the mere 5 or so people i passed, every one of them smiled, waved, or said, "how ya do". when i reached the middle of my street i stopped, took my earphones out, and listened. there was no one in sight, i heard not one car or any man-made sound, just birds and insects. and for a moment, i closed my eyes, and pretended i was the only person on earth. it felt nice.


a means to a beginning

a month of refining and renewing. my journal is awash with assessments of past and present mistakes, and inquiries for a seemingly silent God. i attempted to fixate on not worrying. such a simple concept and commandment, yet one of the most onerous for me to master. i wrestled with coveting an instantaneous solution, instead of succumbing to the procedure. Oswald puts it so well: "God is not working toward a particular finish-His purpose is the process itself."

i couldn't figure out why, but i was dragging my feet on the whole job search. i had no clue what i should be looking for, and even contemplated moving back to tx; be close to my family. the thought was unsettling, though, because i knew i couldn't bring Apostles with me. of all things that make up my experiences in this giant, fluctuating city, my church has remained the most constant. i have never wavered in the Lord's purpose for me there. i knew if i would be willing to move somewhere for a job, i should be willing to stay somewhere for a church. i've inadvertently waited my whole Christian life for a church like this- i still can't believe it actually exists.

and so, i knew i must wait. if the Lord doesn't tell me to move, then i stay put.

i am happy to report that the waiting is over. my pastor graciously offered me a position of ministry with the church. God's silence was immediately reversed, and His asseveration was loud and clear. my dragging feet have been tap dancing ever since.

i will be focusing on the collegiate and women's ministries, which i couldn't be more excited about. i am currently working on raising monthly support, as the church is yet too young to provide a salary. Please let me know if the Lord is leading you to be involved in this important ministry. i would be happy to send you a support letter and share with you a little more about my passion for this church and the people of new york city.

won't you praise the Lord with me?

just what the Doctor ordered

the Lord sent me a gift for 5 days. He knew just what i needed. having my best friend with me in the place that live was like breathing home air. there's only so much you can explain to a person over a cell phone; with Lisa here in the flesh, i could sigh and say, "now I can show you what my life is like." it took us a couple hours to warm up to one another and see that we are still the same people that we were before separated by distance, just with new history on our plates. i can't express what this girl means to me. we know each other so well, that we still say things at the same time, and can read each other like books. that, thankfully, hasn't changed.

the good Lord used her this week to encourage my heart and confirm my purpose here. hearing her say, "Jules, as much as i want you with me in austin, i know you're supposed to be here. i know it." i needed her thumbs up and pats on the back. i have a renewed desire to reclessly abandon my life to the Father and His sovereignty over every circumstance. His goodness shone in Lisa and i still feel it, even though she left yesterday.

square one

thursday was the last day of my brief employment at (probably shouldn't put the actual name here). most of you probably didn't know i had ended my nanny job and landed a position as a studio coordinator at a global architecture firm. april 28th i moved into a new apartment with two roommates and embarked upon a "normal" life in this city.

i worked a pleasant 8:30-5:30 shift on wall street in a surprisingly casual environment for that area of town. it was fun and exciting being around such creative minds and actually interacting with more than 4 human beings a day. i relished the freedom of leaving work at 5:30 and actually getting to LEAVE WORK. the actual working part of work, took some work. i had good days and bad. but, like i've said before, i have this thing about bosses who expect you to be able to read their minds. if there's something i've realized, it's that i do not have that gift. if it's not spelled out for me to the last detail, i'll mess it up. as hard as i try to use every one of my 5 senses to absorb information, it's almost inevitable for me to overlook the most important thing. believe me, i even tried altering my diet in attempt to improve my short-term memory and help my focus. i ate lots of berries and nuts and drank green tea. i really did see improvement. i thought i was getting the hang of my job (i was having more on days than off), but i guess it was just a little too late.

HR girl: "there's no easy way to say this, julia,"

me (in my head): oh, boy, i'm getting fired

HR girl: "you are nearing the end of your 90 day trial period, and...it's just not a good fit. we're letting you go."

i felt it well up in my throat. there was no stopping it. and the flood gates opened. fortunately, they had tissues ready.

i couldn't help but feel like a total loser. more than that, i felt lost, off balance, completely disgruntled. i was so certain this was where i was supposed to be. i had just begun to cultivate some significant beyond surface-level relationships with my co-workers. i was confident in what the Lord was beginning to do there, in putting me in the nucleus of polar people, the majority of them homosexual and agnostic. i reveled in the opportunity.

but, i'm back to square one, groping for a place where i am a "good fit." disappointment is not fun, but i am blessed to be surrounded by people who elucidate the sovereignty of God in my life. it is a certainty that steadies my weary heart and strengthens my weak knees. i know the authenticity and necessity of perseverance through my exposure to adversity and my own sin. there's something about this place; there are just some things that you cannot avoid that are so easy to elsewhere. i'm not making any sense, am i?

i am anxious for the moment of inspiration, where i can clearly sumarize in words what i've acquired in my 10 months here. i hate to sound so dramatic, but sometimes it can't be helped.

press rewind

beats me...

I can't explain how I got here, or why I'm here. People often ask me, "What are you doing in New York?" and it stumps me every time. It's been nine months, 24 days and counting. It began as a one-year test-drive in a foreign land. Somehow, at some point that changed. It hasn't been a year yet, but it seems much longer. I feel aged from the things I've experienced and seen.

roots

this is a new chapter in my life, to be annoyingly cliché, one that seems strikingly out of place compared to chapters 1-23. september 4th i uprooted myself from Texas soil and landed awkwardly on the harsh, unforgiving concrete of New York City. i didn't give myself time to think twice about it. i did it as fast as i could, hoping the hole in the ground could remain for me to sink back into when i was done exploring. will it wait for me?

the nanny named julia

i thought being a nanny would come easy for me, considering I made a pretty good living babysitting until i left for college. it seemed like the easy route to take. two girls, 12 and 14. shouldn't be too hard; they are at school most of the day right? well, let's put it this way, my adventure in the live-in nanny world was like The Devil Wears Prada and the Nanny Diaries combined. i've thought about writing a book on my experience, but i was beat to the chase. i still haven't finished reading the nanny diaries because it cut too close to home. ihe books frighteningly accurate of life in the nanny/corporate arenas of nyc. i know the "Miranda" look well; the one where the eyes roam you up and down, evaluating each article of clothing. i was not used to being scrutinized for the way i dressed. i will never forget the day when that look finally ended in approval; once i finally had moved on from the sloppy "I don't care" maroon-out t-shirt and jeans look ingrained by a&m culture.

esp

there's something about bosses here where they think that their employees can read their minds. she would often stop mid-sentence while giving me instructions, or think that i can hear her finishing them as the elevator door closes. i've honestly held my ear to the door as she went down just to try to get every last word.

you want me to do what?

i did all sorts of things as a nanny i never expected to do. i spent half a day in the animal hospital, waiting for brownie as she had some teeth removed. the drugs must have messed her up somehow because she was never the same after that day. that cat was always running into things and falling off the furniture.

breaking point

i took the girls to all doctor's appointments. i had to pull myself together when the doctor brought back in the examining room. the 12-year-old was anxious about getting a tetanus shot, so she wanted me to be there. she squeezed my hand so tight. this is the same girl who said, "Who died?" months earlier when i tried to give her a hug.

brooklyn

the other night Angela and I were walking down a street in brooklyn, headed for an art venue where there was supposed to be free ice sculpting and fire spinning lessons

a woman yelled to us from across the street in the quintessential raspy brooklyn accent

"have fun tonight ladies! enjoy your life!"

it was just another one of those avant-garde moments that has become so commonplace that i forget to remember them

but, this one's worth trying

to-do

the thing i hate about "to-do" lists is that they never end
one thing checked off the list is immediately replaced by another
that's life in the fast lane, i guess

*file taxes- done! i'm such a grown-up
*pay deposit on new apartment- almost, hope it can wait till i get paid on friday. i'm going to have to get used to the constant draining of money from my account. losing the perks of being a live-in assistant
*edit resume and make yourself look good- done! (with daddy's help)
*buy affordable dress suit to look professional for interviews-done!
*have dress pants hemmed since i'm lacking in length- still need to do
*send out resumes- i think i've sent out one?
*figure out what i want to do with my life- this is the one that will keep replenishing itself forever

kiwi moments

the other day i was slicing a kiwi and i was instantly overwhelmed by the memory of the first time i saw or tasted one. i think it's an amazing gift when we can recall experiencing something in life for the first time; when nostalgia is triggered by a song you hear on the radio, the taste of chapstick you haven't worn in a while, or an old t-shirt you find buried in your dresser. it was that kind of moment with the kiwi. i'm fond of this memory because it's one of my oldest and there's really no reason for me to remember it so vividly. i had to have been 5 or 6 because we still lived in our house in Mississippi. my mom and i were having a tea party with my favorite little plastic tea set. i knew this was no typical tea party when my mom brings out this small, round, ugly, fuzzy thing. she says she wants me to try something new. can't we just have cookies, i remember thinking, no way i'm eating this thing. this is a kiwi, mom says. strange name, i'm thinking. then she slices it, revealing the shocking, alien green of the inside with its magnificent white center and black speckles. it looks to me like a large monster eye. i had never seen anything like it. i remember being surprised by the tart sweetness of the new fruit and how anything so green could taste so good. i felt special to try something so unique and mysterious. it seems so simple now, but it was monumental for this five-year-old.

my life in new york has been one giant kiwi. i have days when i'm weighed down with sensory overload and i just can't seem to take it all in at once. i don't want to forget one single sensation of these experiences as they fly by me. i want the nostalgia to stay with me at every turn, a moving picture in the back of my mind. i want to remember how giant the world feels while standing in the middle of time square, lights blazing around me and thousands of people from all over, jabbering in their own languages. i want to remember the feeling of running up and down the east river on the most perfect day, the promenade littered with all types of dogs and their owners, taking advantage of the break from the cold. i want to remember the taste of my first beer in the city and how it made me think of summer and country music. i want to remember the look on sasha's face when she unabashadly hugged me for the first time. i want to remember the first time i took communion in my new church, the tears of pure joy that filled my eyes as i assimilated Christ body and blood. sometimes i find myself stopped in the middle of a sidewalk or in the center of a crowd of people on the subway, and i'm thinking, don't forget this, don't forget this, don't forget this. these moments are so rare, and yet so common. these are kiwi moments. help me remember...

good friday

O come and mourn with me awhile;
O come ye to the Savior's side;
O come, together let us mourn;
Jesus, our Lord, is crucified.

How fast His hands and feet are nailed;
His blessed tongue with thirst is tied,
His failing eyes are blind with blood:
Jesus, our Lord, is crucified.

Seven times He spoke, seven words of love;
And all three hours His silence cried
For mercy on the souls of men;
Jesus, our Lord, is crucified.

O break, O break, hard heart of mine!
Thy weak self-love and guilty pride
His Pilate and His Judas were:
Jesus, our Lord, is crucified.

A broken heart, a fount of tears,
Ask, and they will not be denied;
A broken heart love’s cradle is:
Jesus, our Lord, is crucified.

O love of God! O sin of man!
In this dread act Your strength is tried;
And victory remains with love;
For Thou our Lord, art crucified!

-Fredrick W. Faber, 1849

a white valentine's day

school was cancelled on account of
snow...
sleet...
rain...
mush...
did i miss any form of water?
that is the kind of day we're having
i won't be caught dead in it
if i can help it

rom. 7

sin exists. I’ve heard it defined in many different ways: missing the mark by a long, long shot.
Like trying to throw a rock to the moon.
Impossible. I’m certain it exists because I’m so familiar with its relentless yanking. The constant friction and collision it makes with my spirit.
I know it’s real because it owned me. I was its slave. It was my master.
Everyone knows his master.
I’m positive it exists because it killed me. It deceived me and killed me.
Everyone knows what kills him.

It frustrates me that people try to take sin out of the equation.
Good luck with that.

Barbara from the 7th floor

I met Barbara in the elevator today. It’s rare that I ride the elevator with anyone in the building, so I like to take that opportunity to meet people.

I almost jumped when the elevator door slid open and I saw her standing there, pushing the “door close” button as fast as she could. She was layered in so much clothing; I could only see her mouth and chin. “You look very warm” was the first thing I said as I squeezed in next to her.

Warm was an understatement; I swear, this woman had more animal skin on her than her own. She was arrayed in fancy leather gloves with fur lining, a very large, pale blue mink wrap swaddled around her entire upper body, but, the best part was her hat. It looked more like a lamp shade made from a skinned fox. It shielded her entire head like a football helmet, leaving only her mouth vulnerable to the outside world.

“I’m Julia” I managed, after slightly getting over the shock of her massive, furry presence.

Her mouth looked at me with a slight twinge of acknowledgement.

“What’s your name?” I tried again, attempting to fill the thick silence as the lit-up numbers slowly decreased.

“Barbara” the mouth spoke magniloquently.

“Nice to meet you.”

Ding. First floor.

“After you,” I gestured out the door with my hand.

Barbara’s fox hat tipped back towards me, as she swiftly shuffled through the door. I followed her as she marched past the doorman and out of the building, all that fur flittering in the wind.

I stopped briefly to examine my own attire- a thin black pea coat and miss-matching brown gloves.

Smiling to myself, I continued on my way.

happy MLKJ day!

yesterday was a good day for work-the best in a long time.

since i work on the weekdays and have the weekends off, i don't see the girls i nanny for very often because of school and afternoon activities. it was an unexpectedly delightful day with them.

the eleven-year-old, let's call her Sasha, was uncharacteristically lighthearted and helpful with me. this is a shock considering the first (and only) time i tried to hug her, she responded with "who died?" it was such a relief to laugh and joke around with her, without dreading to tell her to turn off the tv or put her dishes away.

i also got to spend some time with the 16-year-old, let's call her Penny, when we went out to run some errands. we actually had conversations that didn't consist of me telling her i refilled her prescription or her asking me to fix her computer. i had never felt so relaxed around her. now, here's the kicker. in the cab on the way home, she very deliberately and sincerely apologized for not treating me nicely since i've been here. she said she did not make my transition here from texas any easier and that she was truly sorry. i honestly was blown away by her maturity and humility in the situation. she didn't want to be let off the hook one inch. i was impressed, to say the least.

to top off a great day, my boss, we'll call her Jackie, exclaimed with a real smile how cute i looked in my "new york clothes." considering she only wears Prada, and i almost never receive compliments, i took this one to store for a time of need.

i'm marking this day as a turning point in this journey i'm on. the Lord has shown favor upon my prayers and given me joy in a job that has been bland and lonely. i only pray that my joy will daily be evident to this family, so that they may one day turn and praise my father in heaven!

2007-?

I have just caught my breath, but I think i am ready to begin again. it's another new year and i am eager to approach it with vigilance. it is a year very different from any other. i am in an opposing world, facing challenges i have been shielding myself from (in some ways intentionally, in some ways not). i am asking questions that i have never asked before; questions i've either been too afraid to ask or just never thought to ask. this has been a good two weeks to spend evaluating my life, comparing it's current status to what it was before. with these thoughts in mind i believe it is time to make some new years resolutions. now, before you get the wrong idea, please know i have been guilty of making fun of new years resolutions because for the common american they are likely very trite and are only observed for a brief time in which one quickly gives up, contently resolved to renew them with the upcoming new year. i cannot help but notice the obsessive amount of weight loss and smoking aid commercials that come on tv-makes sense, considering these are the top resolutions americans make each year (along with the #3, being a "better person"). however, if you overlook the connotations that accompany the word "resolutions," you might see a greater purpose therein; and I believe the good man Jonathan Edwards knew that purpose more powerfully and put it to use more effectively than I ever will.

oh, if i could only have a taste of the loving devotion Edwards had for his LORD, and the fervency in which he sought holiness, i would know more fully the abundant life. Edwards meticulously and constantly examined his life, comparing it to the Word in every aspect. This was not for the purpose of a worldly compulsion to reach perfection, or out of desire for recognition, but solely for the sake of Christ his Lord. In 1922, Edwards began journaling what he coined "The Resolutions." by 1923, the list had grown from one resolution to seventy.

if any of you are like me, you are frightened by the idea of resolutions, probably because you do not trust yourself to keep them. Edwards' resolutions are no less frightening to me for the very same reason. however, they are very different from the cliche american new years resolutions because they are not renewed every year, but every day, hour, minute, second. Edwards reread his resolutions each week to remind him of this. also, he was not intimidated by his resolutions because he did not have faith in himself to fulfill them, for with that mentality he knew he would indefinitely fail, rather, He had faith in the Lord to carry them out in his life. this is what we find beneath his title of "The Resolutions":

"Being sensible that I am unable to do anything without God's help, I do humbly entreat him by his grace to enable me to keep these Resolutions, so far as they are agreeable to his will, for Christ's sake."

it was only by God's grace that Edwards was able to adhere to these Resolutions; and he undoubtedly performed them not out of duty, but pure joy! if I am aware of these things as well, why am i so hesitant to write my own Resolutions? is Edwards just an exception, a sparkling diamond among Christ-followers, in which few live up to? or is Edwards a blatant reminder not only of how we are to live the Christian life, but of what it means to ENJOY Christ in His fullness? the answer to this question, i honestly do not have, but it's definitely something i've been exploring and will continue to explore.

here's what i do know. as a believer i do not need to be making new years resolutions, but new life reformations. if i am being transformed daily into Christ, i should be resolving daily to shed the dead skin of my former nature and be completely clothed in the righteousness that was imputed at conversion. i need to trust that the Lord is already doing this in me, despite my inability to see it sometimes. i need to remind myself each day that it is God alone who began a good work in me and He will bring it to "completion at the day of Jesus Christ" (Phil.1:6); and that Christ is sanctifying me completely through His own blood (Heb.13:12). it's not me, it's not me, it's not me...

Julia's new life reformation #1:
Make the best use of my time here, because the days are evil. (Eph. 5:16)

that's one down. may the grace of God alone enable me to do this for the sake of Christ. oh, experience the happiness of knowing my Lord in His fullness, may that always be my ultimate end.

read Edwards' resolutions. be challenged, be humbled, be convicted, be resolved to do the same.